![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
crossposted from Tumblr BLUH BLUH SEXUAL/ROMANTIC ORIENTATION BLUH
Because I've finally sort of figured it all out recently and decided that I should make a tl;dr post about this
I've been pretty puzzled about my orientation for a pretty long time, because well, I felt like I was supposed to be heterosexual because that's what everyone else was and. I felt like I needed to be like everyone. And when I was in my earlier teen years (14-15, I think) I started thinking about this more because I NEEDED TO PLAN MY FUTURE LIFE SOMEHOW HOW AM I GOING TO PLAN MY LIFE IF I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M HETERO OR NOT. And about that time I've begun to realize that I hey, I don't really want to be heterosexual. I could find boys attractive, but the mere thought of doing something more than, say, cuddling and holding hands and shit was just... 8(. And so I figured that HEY I'M PROBABLY LESBIAN IF I DON'T FEEL ATTRACTED TO BOYS SEXUALLY because that's how things work, right? And I tried pretty hard to be lesbian for a while, too! But once again, it never went any further than subtle romantic feelings/finding girls attractive (hot damn, I remember staring at one of my classmates because she was really really pretty and when she talked to me I... kind of felt like I had a crush on her. Oops.), so in the end I just decided to abandon it because WELP GUESS I'M STILL YOUNG I'LL HAVE THE TIME TO FIGURE IT OUT LATER. But all this time I still kept fearing that someday I'll turn out to be heterosexual because that was the way things are supposed to be and then I would have to have sex with a guy and. SOMEHOW THAT REALLY DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT.
I guess this is where my romantic orientation comes into play, because it influenced my way of thinking about relationships in general and whether I wanted it or not. I used to think I've mostly been hetero/biromantic for the most of my life since I had a few crushes on boys and a couple on girls, but most of the time it never went further than just silent crushes, because I never had the courage to tell my crushes I liked them. WHICH IS A GOOD THING, and now let me tell you why.
Once, there was a time when I had a crush on a guy who was in a summer camp with me. It was probably going to end up like most of my other crushes, without me ever telling him and then just getting over it and moving on because who cares. Except I did end up telling him I liked him, and that changed everything, because he SUDDENLY accepted my feelings. That alone made me feel uncomfortable, because wait what are we... a couple now what is being a couple. But okay, I just kept feeling uncomfortable even though this was what I was supposed to want, right? So I rolled with it for a while. Except after a week or so, he asked me if it was okay for him to kiss me. And it all happened in the ~evening~ and it was all very ~romantic~, except... I didn't feel romantic in the slightest. In fact, I felt like getting out of this semi-relationship and as far away as possible. And at that moment I realized that I didn't want this even before, when he agreed to become my boyfrando. Thankfully, we all went to our homes a few days after and I never saw him again, but that left me thinking. I tried to think of all my previous crushes and figured that I... didn't really want to get into a romantic relationship with them, either. I figured that what I actually wanted was to "be like everyone", and when I thought back, my crushes didn't really seem as crushes anymore: more like I wanted to be friends with them. Or best friends, maybe, or something else - but not anything romantic, that's for sure. Except I didn't have any idea about the concept of being aromantic at the time, so I just figured that I probably only liked girls romantically, because it never felt right with boys. Okay.
Actually, that "liking girls in romantic way" thing stuck with me. It still does, I guess. I don't want to go on a date or anything, but if I ever had to, I would prefer it to be with a girl. So yep.
But okay, back to the sexuality thing. After that "HEY I CAN FALL IN LOVE WITH GIRLS" realization I began to wonder if I could be asexual, since I didn't seem to be attracted to either gender sexually. Though I guess "wonder" isn't the right word here - I wanted to be asexual, because that way I wouldn't want to have sex and that would be the best thing ever because I didn't want to have sex and hoped that I would never want to. But at the same time I had that "I AM GOING TO BE HETERO ONE DAY /CREYS" thing stuck in my head, and I also felt sort of bad about wanting to be ace because what if I just wanted to be special? I know that I like being special, so I suppose those fears weren't completely baseless. Except I usually know when I want to be something just to be a special snowflake and when I just want to be something because it feels right.
But thankfully at that point I was familiar with the internet and my own body and desires (I REFRAINED FROM MAKING THE OH DESIRE JOKE IS EVERYONE PROUD OF ME YET) enough to go and google ALL THE SHIT and finally get all this figured out. And then I sat down and started figuring all this out and it kind of hit me that hey, maybe I actually am ace. I used to have this stereotype that being ace meant not relating to sex whatsoever never ever and so things like reading smut fanfics and shipping characters and shit weren't something ace people did, you see, so I hesitated for quite a while. THANKS THE INTERNET FOR CORRECTING ME, REALLY. That said, being ace then began to sound more and more right, and I finally felt like I wasn't just trying to be special. I just was asexual. For then (and now), at least.
The only thing that still perplexed me was the romantic orientation thing- I mean, what was I in that department? I had to be something at least, but I still couldn't find myself actually attracted to people romantically- or at least, not enough to want to form romantic relationships with them. So I just stuck with homoromantic for a while, because it felt kind of right and I just kept telling myself that I haven't met the right girl yet. But when I found out there were aromantic people, and actually got acquainted with the concept of being aromantic I just went "... Oh. Well that explains a bunch of things".
So yeah, it still feels a bit weird to say this because I've felt like I needed to be heterosexual/romatic for a very, very long time but I am aro/ace. For now, at least. Romance/sexual orientations, how do they work. But I guess the point here is that I FINALLY HAVE THIS FIGURED OUT AND I DON'T HAVE TO DOUBT MYSELF ABOUT THIS ANYMORE AND WOW THIS ACTUALLY MAKES A LOT OF THINGS EASIER FOR ME?
I've been pretty puzzled about my orientation for a pretty long time, because well, I felt like I was supposed to be heterosexual because that's what everyone else was and. I felt like I needed to be like everyone. And when I was in my earlier teen years (14-15, I think) I started thinking about this more because I NEEDED TO PLAN MY FUTURE LIFE SOMEHOW HOW AM I GOING TO PLAN MY LIFE IF I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M HETERO OR NOT. And about that time I've begun to realize that I hey, I don't really want to be heterosexual. I could find boys attractive, but the mere thought of doing something more than, say, cuddling and holding hands and shit was just... 8(. And so I figured that HEY I'M PROBABLY LESBIAN IF I DON'T FEEL ATTRACTED TO BOYS SEXUALLY because that's how things work, right? And I tried pretty hard to be lesbian for a while, too! But once again, it never went any further than subtle romantic feelings/finding girls attractive (hot damn, I remember staring at one of my classmates because she was really really pretty and when she talked to me I... kind of felt like I had a crush on her. Oops.), so in the end I just decided to abandon it because WELP GUESS I'M STILL YOUNG I'LL HAVE THE TIME TO FIGURE IT OUT LATER. But all this time I still kept fearing that someday I'll turn out to be heterosexual because that was the way things are supposed to be and then I would have to have sex with a guy and. SOMEHOW THAT REALLY DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT.
I guess this is where my romantic orientation comes into play, because it influenced my way of thinking about relationships in general and whether I wanted it or not. I used to think I've mostly been hetero/biromantic for the most of my life since I had a few crushes on boys and a couple on girls, but most of the time it never went further than just silent crushes, because I never had the courage to tell my crushes I liked them. WHICH IS A GOOD THING, and now let me tell you why.
Once, there was a time when I had a crush on a guy who was in a summer camp with me. It was probably going to end up like most of my other crushes, without me ever telling him and then just getting over it and moving on because who cares. Except I did end up telling him I liked him, and that changed everything, because he SUDDENLY accepted my feelings. That alone made me feel uncomfortable, because wait what are we... a couple now what is being a couple. But okay, I just kept feeling uncomfortable even though this was what I was supposed to want, right? So I rolled with it for a while. Except after a week or so, he asked me if it was okay for him to kiss me. And it all happened in the ~evening~ and it was all very ~romantic~, except... I didn't feel romantic in the slightest. In fact, I felt like getting out of this semi-relationship and as far away as possible. And at that moment I realized that I didn't want this even before, when he agreed to become my boyfrando. Thankfully, we all went to our homes a few days after and I never saw him again, but that left me thinking. I tried to think of all my previous crushes and figured that I... didn't really want to get into a romantic relationship with them, either. I figured that what I actually wanted was to "be like everyone", and when I thought back, my crushes didn't really seem as crushes anymore: more like I wanted to be friends with them. Or best friends, maybe, or something else - but not anything romantic, that's for sure. Except I didn't have any idea about the concept of being aromantic at the time, so I just figured that I probably only liked girls romantically, because it never felt right with boys. Okay.
Actually, that "liking girls in romantic way" thing stuck with me. It still does, I guess. I don't want to go on a date or anything, but if I ever had to, I would prefer it to be with a girl. So yep.
But okay, back to the sexuality thing. After that "HEY I CAN FALL IN LOVE WITH GIRLS" realization I began to wonder if I could be asexual, since I didn't seem to be attracted to either gender sexually. Though I guess "wonder" isn't the right word here - I wanted to be asexual, because that way I wouldn't want to have sex and that would be the best thing ever because I didn't want to have sex and hoped that I would never want to. But at the same time I had that "I AM GOING TO BE HETERO ONE DAY /CREYS" thing stuck in my head, and I also felt sort of bad about wanting to be ace because what if I just wanted to be special? I know that I like being special, so I suppose those fears weren't completely baseless. Except I usually know when I want to be something just to be a special snowflake and when I just want to be something because it feels right.
But thankfully at that point I was familiar with the internet and my own body and desires (I REFRAINED FROM MAKING THE OH DESIRE JOKE IS EVERYONE PROUD OF ME YET) enough to go and google ALL THE SHIT and finally get all this figured out. And then I sat down and started figuring all this out and it kind of hit me that hey, maybe I actually am ace. I used to have this stereotype that being ace meant not relating to sex whatsoever never ever and so things like reading smut fanfics and shipping characters and shit weren't something ace people did, you see, so I hesitated for quite a while. THANKS THE INTERNET FOR CORRECTING ME, REALLY. That said, being ace then began to sound more and more right, and I finally felt like I wasn't just trying to be special. I just was asexual. For then (and now), at least.
The only thing that still perplexed me was the romantic orientation thing- I mean, what was I in that department? I had to be something at least, but I still couldn't find myself actually attracted to people romantically- or at least, not enough to want to form romantic relationships with them. So I just stuck with homoromantic for a while, because it felt kind of right and I just kept telling myself that I haven't met the right girl yet. But when I found out there were aromantic people, and actually got acquainted with the concept of being aromantic I just went "... Oh. Well that explains a bunch of things".
So yeah, it still feels a bit weird to say this because I've felt like I needed to be heterosexual/romatic for a very, very long time but I am aro/ace. For now, at least. Romance/sexual orientations, how do they work. But I guess the point here is that I FINALLY HAVE THIS FIGURED OUT AND I DON'T HAVE TO DOUBT MYSELF ABOUT THIS ANYMORE AND WOW THIS ACTUALLY MAKES A LOT OF THINGS EASIER FOR ME?